Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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