Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
