I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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