my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
