I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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