in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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