woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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