Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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