the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
