I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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