you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
