Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
