Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am naked and annoyed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
