just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We left the knife in your bed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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