i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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