i need an iv and a liver transplant
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
