Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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