For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
