John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
last night I used snow as a chaser
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
