Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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