there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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