wrigley field is MILF paradise
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Blood and glitter go together right?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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