I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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