Someone shit on the floor
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
