all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
