I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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