Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
