a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
