My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
