Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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