a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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