If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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