i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
