sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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