I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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