And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am spending my child support on dildos
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
