In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
