found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
