dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
