throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
