Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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