i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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