He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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