Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
