No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
did you just send me my own nude
My vagina is officially offended.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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