I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
porn star boner night. come get it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
