I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
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Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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