I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
