Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
