When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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