Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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