you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
