I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
