You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
