You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
