Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
